Life after school

2 weeks after leaving school, I woke with an incredible pain in my side. I got downstairs and fell on the couch. It was 3 hours of agonising hell later that my dad came downstairs and found me. I was unable to shout for help so had to wait.
After a call to the doctor, we were on our way and 5 minutes later we were there. The doctor had a quick examination of me and said ''You have a kidney stone!''
Hmmm. I'd never even heard of this before. At least the pain killers will help and all I had to do was drink plenty of fluids and the stone will pass. But to make sure, an xray will be booked.
The next day, I felt better and recovered watching TV with my dad and the dogs.
My mother was away for a few days with a friend but couldnt believe what she was being told when she called to see how we all were!
''It wont be a kidney stone surely. He's only 16!'' said my mam. ''We'll see when the xray is done''
So a few weeks later I have my xray.
''Nothing, but the left kidney looks a little swollen, we'll get another done with a contrasting dye''. This is my new GP, Dr Baker. The first time I had met him too. I had previously seen the emergency doctor on call.
My xray was 2 weeks away.
Xray time with this funny dye time. It made me feel like I was shitting myself when they put the dye in the needle!
They took a few xrays 2 minutes apart and told me to come back in another 2 hours.
On the way home, I started feeling like crap.
That feeling passed and I picked up again a little later.
Back at the xray, more were taken and I was told someone would be in touch. So off back home I go.
About 6pm that evening, the phone rings and my mam answers.
''Get a jacket on Si, Dr Baker wants to see you NOW''
WTF!
We get to the docs and sat in the waiting room. After a couple of minutes he calls us in and we sit down.
''Simon. The xrays you had this afternoon shows you have a blockage in your kidney. Probably that stone. So we need to admit you asap''
Oh crap, this sounds serious
''What will they do?'' I asked. ''I'm not sure. But there is a great machine at Newcastle that breaks them up and it's just like laying on a bed for a while. That should fix it.''
Famous last words doc.
So back home, pack a bag and off I go for what I thought will be a couple of days in hospital.
I get there and we have a letter for the on call Dr and instructions to go to ward 1 - urology ward.
''Hello Mr Moore. We need to get you into a gown for the procedure''
What procedure are you on about? Dr Baker said nothing about a procedure here. I thought I was going to be off to Newcastle and lay on a bed where a machine fixed me. Then we could maybe go somewhere for a meal before coming home. Noone told me about a procedure, so I just thought sod it. Not getting out of it so I will just go with the flow.
So off to the newer xray dept and a doctor and nurses were waiting in scrubs for me. Odd. Maybe they are just more comfortable like this.
This way Mr Moore. We just need to give you a few small injections into your belly to numb the area. Then we will place the tube into your kidney. You shouldnt feel anything.
Oh cool. It wont hurt. There is nothing to getting this done and OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL, THEY ARE STABBING ME WITH NINJA SWORDS MADE OF SPIKY FIRE!
It did hurt. As soon as they hit the kidney, I thought I was being murdered. Please God, let this finish quickly.
Doctor ''hmmm, most patients dont feel that. You must have needed more injections to numb you''
Well duh! That scream that you heard wasnt because I was having so much fun doc - I wish I had said.
Back on the ward, I was put in a bed with a view - of the city sewage works.
Oh joy.
But the nursing staff there was awesome. They all helped and explained everything they could and took the time to sit with me and make sure I was ok. Because of my age, I could have gone to the childrens ward, but I had already made a new friend and was having a good chat with the other patients so I said no. I'm ok here.
And what a laugh we had too. Not just us patients, but with the staff too. When they could, they would come round and chat
After a few days, I was on my way to Newcastle in an ambulance patients transport vehicle. My mam was a patients transport service driver. So she got that job to be with me, with her bosses consent too!
Free parking. It's not cheap for 4 hours lol.
So onto the magic table I go. A water filled bag pushes up against my side and the nurse says ''I've just got to give you this into the needle in your hand. You may feel a little drowsy''
Well bugger me. I felt like I'd just drank a bottle of vodka! Pethidine, the spelling may be wrong here, is strong stuff!
''Here's the headphones Simon''. Ooh, music too. Feels like a party now. There really isnt to much too this. I cant even feel this lithothingy. Oh yes I can. And it hurts. Just relax. Relax. Oh please RELAX!
The injection did something bizarre. The 5 minutes I estimated was really 45! So into the recovery bed and half an hour later we were on our way back to Carlisle Hospital.
Off for an xray the next morning to see the broken stone.
Nope. Still the size of a thumb.
Two more attempts on the lithodooblywhatsitcalled machine and it didnt change in size.
Right then. Now what? Ooh, they are going to knock me out an try it on full power!
''They had it on full power but had to keep turning it down bit by bit'' I told them. It turns out they started at 10 percent and it decreased to 2 percent!
Oh.
So off we go. Me and my mam in the ambulance again. This one has a bed instead of a minibus transport vehicle.
As I walked into the lithotrypsy suite, I had finally learned the name, the doctors were waiting.
''How long does it take for the anaesthetic to start wo....''
''Mr Moore, wake up. It's over''
Huh. What happened?
It doesnt seem like seconds when you are knocked out like that!
An hour or so recovery, cup of tea and some toast and I was ready to travel back.
I was so glad the ambulance had sick bowls. Turns out I get severe nausea after being knocked out!
Off for my xray that night and once again, nothing. Not even full power did it!
Bugger.
So home for a weeks rest, still with tube in my gut to drain the kidney, then back in for an operation to remove the stone.
In 1992, the hospital did not have the funding for keyhole surgery! So I was opened up with a 20 inch incision. The bottom of my kidney near enough chopped off and the stone removed.
The first two days post op were a blur. Especially when infection kicked in and I had a dangerously high temp and equally high pulse of over 200.
To say the doctors were shitting bricks would be an understatement. But they cooled me with fans and ice and my heart slowed right down again.
They placed a stent when they did the op, only when they did an xray on day 3, it was not showing!
I had passed it into a pee bottle and noone noticed!
Little did I know how much one of those would hurt me later in life.
10 days post op and time for my stitches to come out. I find out that having them removed makes me want to pass out! Bizarre, because I find it interesting to watch.
''Hmmm, be right back Si'' says the nurse. And she returns with another nurse and explains ''there is some fluid coming from the wound. I know you are supposed to be going home today but we would advise you dont until this clears up''
Crap crap crap. I miss my dogs.
A few days later, this had shown no signs of clearing up so they decided to investigate surgically.
''Mr Moore'' this is the doctor '' we removed another stone. It had formed and blocked your kidney. We are going to send it for analysis and find out why you are making them so quick''
Odd. But at least I wasnt leaking piss from my side anymore!
A day later and I finally get home. It has been 2 months now since it started and it is finally over. Ahh.
12 hours later I was back in the same bed in hospital with severe pain. They suspect it is just swelling around the kidney.
NOPE. It's another damned kidney stone. 48 hours this one took to block me.
And so this continued for the next 5 or 6 years.
Then we celebrated when I reached a full 2 months without hospital.
Then 3 months.
All the way until 11 months and 3 weeks, I kid you not.
Sitting watching a movie at the cinema and that pain came back.
I was operated on that night to unblock both kidneys!
This thing sucks